I was so freaking mad this morning, I nearly plunged the heel of my pointy-toe pump clear into a particular jerk’s Adam’s Apple!
So, there’s this man I know – barely. And by barely, I mean he’s corresponded with me on social media, has indicated he’s a fan, and has shared with me the brewing of his legal woes. As I often do, I’ve listened, offered him some free legal advice, have tried to be professionally supportive. Has he indicated a desire to see me socially? Yes. Have I accepted any of his invitations? No. Why not? For many reasons, not the least of which is that I strongly suspected he would need my expertise in the not too distant future, so I purposely kept our correspondence appropriately professional because that’s what smart, seasoned, sassy lawyers do, of course.
As predicted, the day of reckoning arrived. This man contacted me, requesting my services.
And then he offered to pay me for said services…
…by touching my naked body all over.
And that’s when I saw a red redder than the bottom of my Louboutins.
“You want to pay me HOW?” I queried insincerely.
“Well, I could give you a full body massage. The best one you’ve ever had!” was his proud reply. But as my eyes began to burn a real, live hole into his forehead flesh, he quickly backpedaled, and added, ”Or, I could shovel your driveway or walk your dog or something.”
“So, let me get this straight. You want to utilize my 20 years of expertise, my stellar reputation in the community, my office resources which I’ve built single-handedly from the bottom up and, in exchange, you want to pleasure me physically, which, in actuality, will pleasure YOU because the service you are offering in return is not one for which you are licensed to perform! Is that what I’m hearing? Because IF my ears have not deceived me, I defy you – no, I DARE you – to walk into a male lawyers office AND ATTEMPT TO MAKE THE SAME TRADE! Or, how about the next time you have a stomach pain, you wander into the local urgent care and ask if the nice nurse will squeeze your balls and ask you to cough in exchange for you sticking your tongue in her ear? Oh, or wait! How about when you put your home on the market for sale, you find a broker who will dispense with the paltry 5% commission and instead agree to allow you to SUCK HER TOES immediately following the closing? Ooooh, yeah, you know what? I think you’re really onto something! But in an abundance of caution, let me do some math, okay? Let me calculate how much my seven years of higher education, twenty years of legal experience, ten years of media experience, my reputation in the community, my associates’ salaries, my office mortgage, my monthly business expenses, and my own personal living expenses add up to, and then let me see whether it’s cost effective for me to trade ALL OF THOSE THINGS not for legal tender, but for an amateur massage from a prospective client WHO HAS A JOB but obviously prefers not to pay me for mine! And then, after all that, if I think what you’re offering is a good deal, I will let you know. Or, you can just hang your head in shame and get the (bleep!) out of my office now before your embarrass yourself further. Pick one!”
Look, I’m sure I speak for other women when I say, ordinarily, we are flattered when a member of the opposite sex finds us attractive. But guys, if you’re attracted to a woman, ask her on A DATE! Do not ask to get in her pants to SAVE YOU MONEY on something else you need! This exchange was not about rebuffing an advance of a man who may be attracted to me. This exchange was about a person WITH THE ABILITY TO PAY for my services expressing to me that, in his mind, my expertise was not worth the price which I normally command and receive, but instead worth the price of a “rub and tug”.